Monday, June 21, 2010

Wedding events are over

The wedding events are over. I bet you thought they ended with the wedding reception a month ago! You would be wrong. As far as I can tell, there are seven main dinners associated with the wedding. First, on the eve of the marriage, was the turmeric paste party. Next day, the marriage. Then a day of rest. Then the marriage dinner. Then, for the next four Fridays, the families shared dinner together.

The Friday dinner rules seemed very flexible - the families just agreed who would host, and the hosting family decided how many people to invite. In Sarwari's brother's case, her parents hosted three and the bride's family hosted one. This mostly seems because the groom's family has the right of first refusal. Since the bride's family lives about an hour drive away, and cars are not prevalent here, Sarwari's mom did not want to have to hire a car to drive so far for dinner. So, she went once out of respect, but made the in laws come over the other three times. At least, that's what I think I understood!

I'm totally going out on a limb here, but were I to venture a guess, I think the Friday dinners stem from the fact that the bride and groom have often never met prior to their engagement, if they even met then. So, the dinners are a way for each family to check on the other. Coming from a family of three girls, I have a lot of sympathy for the bride's family - they really have "lost" a child.

I had been told that the daughter is no longer considered a child of her parents after the wedding. It hit home last night when Sarwari said we should call the bride, "Ayesha." I was pretty sure that name was not on the wedding card, as I would have remembered her name. Apparently, her name given by her own parents was too long and cumbersome so Sarwari's parents talked and decided to call her Ayesha. Now, in the family, she is known as Ayesha. I asked Shabu what the old name was, but Shabu couldn't even remember as she had been calling her Ayesha for the last month!

No offense to my mother-in-law, but no way was she going to rename me after my marriage! I didn't even change my last name.

Last night was the final dinner. It was pretty festive, but low key, dinner at Sarwari's mom's house. Ayesha was decked out in a pretty blue and brown sari with silver trim. Some distant relatives who work in Saudi who couldn't come for the wedding even scheduled their annual trip home around this dinner, adding to the party atmosphere.

After this dinner, Ayesha went home to her parents house for a few days, and then she will return to her new family's home for the majority of the time. When she has her first baby (God willing, as they say here), she'll spend the last part of her pregnancy and the first three months post partum with her parents. Otherwise, she generally won't visit her own parents without asking permission of her in laws (who are now considered her own parents).

Sarwari's parents are very kind to share these cultural events with us - and we returned the favor by leaving around 8:30 (William and Patrick need to get to bed) so as not to overstay our welcome :) I've enjoyed learning about it all, but I think Greg is glad for the events to be over. Having William and Patrick out late is somewhat stressful, as we've pretty much acclimated them to going to sleep at 8:30 and 7:30 respectfully. Not to mention it's World Cup season ...

4 comments:

Shelley said...

Pam-This brings back too many not so nice memories of my own wedding.
My father-in-law tried to rename me after the wedding, to give me a Muslim name. I never converted so when he started calling me "Mariam" I ignored him, until he started calling me Shelley again.
They have repeatedly asked, sent me sms's to start calling them mom and dad. That never happened, and never will, mostly because after losing my own mother it is just too hard to call someone else mom. Plus they aren't my parents, so I call them aunty and uncle which really irks them.
Now they just accept that I am not the traditional Muslim Indian daughter-in-law, and they are ok with that, it just took some time for them to adjust. it just saddens me that a woman is to be obedient and do everything her in-laws or husband says. Luckily I am nowhere near in that same boat.

The saying in India is that having a daughter is like watering someone else's plant.... sad but oh so very true in many of the women's cases here.

Annie said...

Wow, so interesting. I can't imagine how hard it must be to surrender your own identity and take on that of your husband and his family -- especially if the marriage is arranged! although, if you've grown up expecting this, it would seem normal.
The proverb about "watering someone else's plant" is much like the attitude in China, where a couple cares for the parents of the husband in their old age. A family with no son has no one to care for them in their old age.
Probably a big reason why we have Julie with us today.

Karen said...

I'm so disappointed not to be able to rename you, Pam. I'm sure I could come up with something lovely. Let's see...which would be better: Geraldine, Tiffani...

PRDP said...

I knew you would come up with some good ideas, Karen! And, Shelley, I can't believe the story about Mariam! Wow! I had no idea...