Teaching Disappointment

Last night and this weekend, I'm having to teach disappointment and dealing with the consequences to Wm.  It is rough!

Background: His school has "jobs" for kids.  Third graders are in charge of the mail delivery system, aka "backpack mail."  I love this system - I can just send in something to the PTA noting the subject mater on the envelope, and the kids have a list of which type of info goes to which child in which class to get the envelope to the right PTA parent volunteer.  If I need to send a letter to a specials teacher or front office, ditto.  If a kid is interested, s/he can sign up to be a "postmaster" (sort the mail in afternoon) or "delivery agent" (deliver mail before school).

William wanted to be a delivery agent.  He came home one day super excited about this.  While he thought the post master job might be more interesting, he said he knew he couldn't do it because with three kids, there was already enough going on after school.  And, he also told me he only volunteered to deliver mail on M/W/F, because he knew it would be too hectic for Lea to get him to school early on days when Ian had to get to school.  Really, I was quite proud of him for thinking about all this.

Friday was the "exam" day.  I wished him luck when I left for work.  When I got home, I asked him how the test went.  He immediately broke down in tears - somehow, by the time he arrived at school, he went into autopilot and went right to the cafeteria to line up for class.  He forgot to go to the classroom to take the test.   (He walks with a friend, so Lea wasn't there to remind him about the test once he arrived.)

I emailed the teacher, but unfortunately there is no make up test.  It was a one time deal.

Through his sadness, he said he wanted to do this because the job he really wanted for the school was to be a "patrol" (i.e., the 4th and 5th graders who help line kids up for buses, make sure the little kids get off at the right bus stop, etc).  But, we won't be here for 4th or 5th grade, so this would be his only shot.

Part of me really wanted to explain these special circumstances to the teacher.  But part of me realized - both for me as a parent and him as a kid - we both need to learn right now.  I need to remind myself I can't do everything for my kids, and he needs to learn he is ultimately responsible for himself. And for both of us to remember that "failure" isn't the end of the world. (let's face it, I don't fail very often, so I don't take failure very well either!)

There's been a lot of discussions about the high rate of anxiety and depression among new college students in articles and in books like "How to Raise and Adult."  I haven't read the book and have only skimmed the articles (in general, I don't like reading parenting advice), but I get the general idea that it's important to help your kid learn how to cope with disappointment, especially when they only have themselves to blame for that disappointment.

So, we'll have a few tough days with tears.  And a few conversations which I'm sure will involve him shouting about how dumb his teacher is and me reminding him he can't blame others for his mistake (and him storming off to his room).  But, fingers crossed, in the end he'll move on and find something else to be involved in.

Starting Kindergarten

Long time readers will remember what a terrible time I had with the Montessori --> public school transition.  It could have been moving from the Philippines to the USA.  It could have been many things.  But, as I was rationalizing my frustration with starting school here, I rationalized that it was because of my difficulty adjusting between two very different instructional methods.

The Montessori school Wm attended in the Philippines had a wonderful parent education component.  We knew exactly what the school was teaching and why, and were encouraged to reflect the same methodology at home.  It made things work so smoothly.  Wm could move ahead quickly and independently in areas where he excelled, and the teachers were there to support him in weaker areas (reading, ahem ahem).

The more rigid system here combined with feel like I didn't even speak the same language as his teacher, frustrated me beyond belief.  Hi first grade year, I felt like I was struggling to catch up and understand how to work with him and the school.  Thus, for Patch, while we could have sent him to a Montessori school up the road, I opted for a more traditional play-based American pre-K curriculum. I'm sure Patch would have excelled just as Wm did in Montessori - but I couldn't go through that transition again.

Luckily for me and Patch, try #2 paid off.  He reports that kindergarten so far is boring.  He doesn't read yet, so there are definitely things he needs to work on this year.  Overall, though, the rhythm of the class is very similar to what he was doing half-day last year.  As for me?  I'm not stressing out about his transition at all.  Piece of cake.

I know - you'll tell me a lot of it is that we're now in our third year in America, and I can now speak the same language as his school.  But, given that I believe the difficult transition into first grade was because of the Montessori-public switch, it only logically follows that this easy transition was because we stuck with similar systems.

Now, fingers crossed I don't flip out when we move to Vietnam and enter the international school world... 

Being an Extreme "NT"

Three weeks ago, I took a leadership class.  As part of it, we did the Myers Briggs Type Indicator.  I've done this a few times before, and am still the same type: INTJ.  The only difference is that this time, all of the types were more pronounced, especially the T (thinking) and N (intuition).  Basically, my take away from the class is that when I manage people (in theory, I should do that at some point in my career, since I do hope to get promoted :) ), I need to make sure that I don't come across so matter of fact that I'm unfeeling.

This also, apparently, applies to parenting.

Case in point:  At back to school night, the parents were encouraged to write a "doodle note" to their child.  I had NO IDEA what to write.  So, I wrote: "Hi William, Um... we were here - ha ha ha.  I guess you're not next to Raul anymore.  ~Mama."  And I drew a soccer ball and baseball.

Later, walking around the class, I glanced at the other mom's notes.  (yes, even with two parents in the class, only the moms seemed to write the note.  I think this is because the paper had hearts all over it with "doodle note" written in a very feminine script.  I won't start to go into how much Comic Sans and "cutesy" fonts are used in elementary school, which absolutely drives me up a wall.)  Every other note was something like "you're a super star!" "i'm so proud of you!" etc etc.

Obviously, my NT was shining strong.  Not one iota of F (feeling) in my note.  I felt slightly bad for Wm, but, hey, he gets to deal with the mom he has, right?  Better learn young :)

I forgot about it, until the note came home from school today.  I took it out from the folder and was again embarrassed to the point of needing to bring it up.

Me: Um, William, I think I have to apologize for that doodle note.
Wm: What?
Me: Well, did you read the notes your friends got?
Wm: Yeah.
Me: So, what did you think of mine?
Wm: It was the worst in the whole class. [love his brutal honesty! especially when true!]
Me: Yeah, so that's what I'm apologizing for. I love you, you know, right?
Wm: Yeah, I know. I don't need a doodle note for that.

*phew. No lasting damage, at least from this parenting misstep.  And I'll work on putting a little more S and F (sensing & feeling) into my parental feedback mechanisms, too.

Ketchup!

Growing things in our backyard has caused me to look up many recipes that use: cucumbers, tomatoes, basil, thyme, parsley and mint.  I'm drinking cucumber mint water as I type this because, seriously, one can only eat so many cucumber spears, even tasty fresh ones.

What to do with 4 pints of cherry tomatoes about to burst?  Perusing various websites and blogs, I came up with some great ideas.  Sadly, it seemed highly unlikely that my children would eat any of these things, since they're currently in a "familiar food only" phase.

Except, KETCHUP!  They eat lots of ketchup.  And 4 pints of cherry tomatoes makes 2 cups of ketchup, so I wouldn't even have to worry about jarring it.  The concept of actually making ketchup was so novel, I had to document it.

Wm chopped about half before he lost interest
 

They wanted to taste and smell all the ingredients

Patch helped pour it all in,
then we simmered for about an hour

Wm did the blending (but no pics of him during,
since I had to make sure ketchup didn't splash everywhere)

Final step was pushing through a sieve.  A quick poll of my Wellesley FB group suggested this was not entirely necessary, but the boys thought the seeds in the ketchup was too weird, so I did.

Of course, having fresh ketchup (currently chilling in the fridge) requires hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.  Getting the grill ready right now!

$6 and 15 Minutes

That's all it took to solve a nagging organizational issue in my bathroom closet, that I've been mulling over for a year.  I've been debating multiple solutions to keep things in their places, but haven't wanted to invest in anything, since we'll just pack up in a year.  It's so easy not to use that excuse not to make decisions or really set up a living space in a way I'd fully enjoy it.  I just tell myself I can deal with it temporarily.

Except, by that logic, then my entire life becomes temporary, because there's always going to be another move on the horizon.

So, last weekend I decided I should take hold of a few of the temporary spaces that nag me.  The trick then becomes to find organizational items that are multifunctional (i.e., not specific to the space needed right here and now) and not too expensive (i.e., probably not from the Container Store, as much as I LOVE that store).

Thankfully, Target had some wire bins on sale for $3 each.  I bought two.  Results below, which only took 15 minutes of rearranging things.  It won't be winning any closet organization awards, but, in the interest of not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, at least my bathroom closet doesn't feel temporary anymore.

Putting things in his terms

Between Facebook and the newspaper, Wm asked about "pride" and "same-sex marriage" and rainbows.  He already knows about LGBT, so it was more a discussion about why it marriage wasn't legal in some places before.

Then, after some reflection, he said: "Well, I guess for kids who like boardgames, having two moms would be great.  And for kids who only like sports, having two dads would be great.  But, for me, I like having a mom and a dad because sometimes I like to play boardgames and sometimes I like to play sports."

And, now you know what Greg and I each play the most often with Wm.

Gender & Generational Change

For your amusement, an excerpt of our dinner conversation last night:

Wm: Did you know that "William" is the second most popular name for U.S. presidents tied with "John"?  There were 4 Williams.  "James" is the most popular - there were six.  

[discussion on how no Patricks or Ians]

[discussion on me/Greg/my mom trying to name all the Jameses and Williams]

Wm: My teacher didn't tell me what the most popular girl's name was for the presidents.  Maybe "Susan" because of Susan B Anthony?

My mom: No, she wasn't a president.

Wm: Well, who were our girl presidents? 

Greg: Um... we haven't had one.

Wm: WHAT? How can no girl have been president EVER? 

This gives me hope on changes in thinking on gender equality.  

[Side note: Wikipedia indicates there were actually 5 Johns, so William is downgraded to third place.  Sorry, kid.]